Blacklisted
by BlackwaterCanon
Summary: Leah, well and truly being herslef, waiting in the cullens crypt. She Decides to write a mental list fo the people that she would kill, if she ever became an axe murderer and Edward is there to read her find and let the rest of the cullens know...


Okay so here is a little light of inspiration I had about Leah and the Cullens. It happens post BD, when Renesmee is almost fully grown. Is currently just the one-shot but let me know if you think it has more of a future. SM has said that if she ever wrote about the twilight characters again, she would continue with Leah and where her life leads... this is just Leah, being Leah with the Cullens....  
Obviously I am not Stephenie Meyer, who is the legal owner of all things Leah.

Blacklisted.

I was sitting in the Vampire crypt, waiting for Jacob and Renetard. You know I had been a guard dog of the Darling leeches for a while now. Heck, the mutant spawn was nearly fully grown, and Jacob, the supermassive paedophile would be making his move. I sighed, checking that the Mind Rapist wasn't anywhere near. I was in luck, however the blonde leech, little miss USA, Malibu Barbie herself, _Rosalie _was shooting daggers at me, from her magazine. The Pixie, who needed to step away from the hyperactivity meds _Alice _was sitting with her, and they were sitting on the opposite end of the couch to me. I was sitting in the house, hanging out the Leeches. Fan-tastic. Could my life get any better?  
The Door opened, and In walked Jake and the Spawn, and Bella Fucking Cullen and the Mind Rapist.  
"Watch your thoughts Leah, Just because you are part of Jacob's pack, doesn't mean that I will oppose to you running around on three legs". Edward  
_My apologies Mind Rapist, If you don't like it, don't listen. Maybe a mind you would like to listen to darling Jacob and his thoughts about your almost fully grown mutant spawn...  
_I almost smiled. It was as if the leech went a lighter shade of ghost white. He looked at me and then looked at Jacob holding the Spawn's hand. Jacob dropped the hand immediately and stepped away. I remember when that was me.... Painful images of Sam flitted through my mind before I could stop them.  
The Mind Rapist snickered, he had seen it all.  
"I would have thought that you were classier than that Leah..." He said, and everyone suddenly looked at me. I was pissed. He should stay the fuck out of my head and my mind. I would blacklist him, And if I ever became an axe murderer, he would be first on my list, after Sam of course.  
Edward snickered, again and the room turned to look at him.  
"What the hell is so funny?" Blondie said.  
"Leah was just Deciding who she would blacklist, If she ever became an axe murder."  
"You just earned yourself top spot leech" I spat back at him, and boy did I mean it.  
"Oh tell me Leah! Who else?" Alice was practically bouncing on the seat.  
"Oh you too, for being such a Tom Cruise wannabe? Seriously all you need is the eyebrows and Katie Holmes to tag along" Like perfect timing, The Vampire with the feelings walked down the stairs. Blondie laughed.  
"Hey Katie, could you fetch me a soda?" Alice said, straight faced to Japer, who looked like he had just woken up in crop circles.  
"Oh and while your at it, go and fix the dent you and Emmet put in my BMW....." She glared at him and the hulk walked in being dragged by his ear by mother hen.  
"Sit" She said, and put down some biscuits for me. Urgh.  
"Oh and you know who else is on my list? People in their shiny expensive cars, who think that just because they have shiny blonde hair and drive fast, think that they are good drivers". Well that shut her up.  
"Ohhh! Snap Rose" Emmett jumped up, trying to hi-five Edward.  
"You better watch out Emmett, or you won't be doing anything fun... for a very long time". His laugher was immediately silenced by threatening his sex life. Typical male.  
"Bloodsucker, hasn't anyone told you the side effects of using anabolic steroids? All I can say is teeny-tiny...." He looked like I had slapped him.  
"No worries there, when you have as much as I have to shrink" He said proudly.  
Edward looked revolted, and next to him Bella looked down shyly. But the best reaction by far was The pixie, who was pretending to throw up violently over the arm of the pristine white sofa.  
"I told you she was Tom Cruise, look at her try and act." Jacob smiled and Mr. anabolic steroids picked her up and sat her straight on the sofa again.  
"How many times, Bulimia is never the answer" Alice giggled.  
"That's another thing, why are people so self absorbed to think that having an eating disorder is the motherfucking answer? Wake up people, the world has bigger problems"  
"That's deep" Emmet said, but the rest were all looking at Blondie. She was about to lose it. Heck she was like the female Paul!  
"Why is it, when someone mentions the word Superficial, you all look at me?" She was throwing her arms up in the air.  
"Alright, no need for a tantrum!" I said acidly. Getting up to leave, Jacob was back now and we could leave the spawn behind. I couldn't take the Brady bunch for much longer, though it was fun to terrorise them. "Let's go Jake, leave the bloodsuckers to their crypt" He got up and kissed the spawn, I took my chance.  
"Now now, lets keep it G-rated" And they both flinched, Edward was behind them in no time.  
I laughed to myself, I really must come terrorise them more often. They are more civil than the pack and their rabbie-like behaviour and _Sam_. (Vomit). Oh My god, I was losing it! I was about to admit that I like the Cullens!  
"Don't worry Leah. I am rather shocked too" The Mind Rapist said, looking bemused.  
"Hey Katie, stop fucking with my feelings" I looked at Mr Emotional.  
"I assume that you are talking to me? Nope not doing anything.."  
Wow.  
There must be something wrong, I must be running a high fever and it must be making me delusional.  
Oh wait, I'm always running a fever.


End file.
